It’s not realistic for anyone to stop having negative emotions. It’s part of what makes us human. It’s a rite of passage to living full lives. We often ignore our emotions hoping they’ll just go away, but sometimes it’s better to sit with your emotions to cope with pain.
As you may have noticed, society as a whole hasn’t always encouraged honest, genuine emotion unless it’s deemed positive. Children are often taught to “buck-up” or “stop crying” when there’s something wrong. As a result, they begin to feel it’s unacceptable to express genuine emotion and start stifling their feelings and ignoring them instead.
The bad news is that when we stuff our negative emotions down (at any age), they tend to surface in other ways, sometimes even manifesting into health problems. (Karol K. Truman’s book “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die” (link to Amazon) goes into more detail about how buried emotions affect our lives.)
Sitting with “What Is”
This tool was introduced to me years ago by a dear friend of mine. She called it, sitting with “what is” which has come to serve me well over the years. The idea behind this tool is if we sit with a negative emotion long enough without labeling it “good” or “bad”, it will lessen the negative feeling associated with the thought.
This exercise is about facing whatever emotional turmoil you have head-on and truly feeling the emotions that come up (ie: fear, shame, sadness, anger, etc.), without attaching any labels to them…just sitting with the emotion(s) until eventually, they lessen or lose their power over you.
The Process
If you have a thought or memory that brings up an unhappy feeling for you, try the following:
Get comfortable: Find a quiet spot, get comfortable, close your eyes and start thinking about the thought that’s triggering you. - Think and feel without labeling it: You’re probably going to have an immediate emotional response when you revisit the thought. It’s important not to label it, but to simply acknowledge and accept it as is. Allow yourself to feel your emotions fully at this moment. This may result in full-on sobbing so be sure to have some tissues around.
- Express love and empathy towards yourself during this process – almost as if you’re watching a movie where you feel empathy for the character as they go through their pain, but you know the story will have a happy ending. Try to be an objective observer to your thoughts and emotions as you go through this process and know that whatever comes up for you is completely natural.
This exercise can be really hard and uncomfortable. Brené Brown refers to it as “Embracing the suck.” You may feel emotionally drained afterward but hopefully, you feel a sense of release, and the thought doesn’t quite have the same emotional effect on you as it did before. As challenging as it is, facing your emotions head-on is a healthier way to cope than turning to alcohol, food, drugs, or avoidance. Just remember, no matter what you’re going through, it will get better in time.
“Love whatever gets in the way until it ceases to be an obstacle.” – Mark Nepo
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