I read an article about how more and more people are choosing not to have children. According to this Today Show article, “About 44% of people ages 18 to 49 report it’s unlikely or ‘not too likely’ they’ll have children.” So, if you’re deliberating, I thought I would share my story and perspective.
When I was around 30 years old, I came to the conclusion I didn’t want to have children. It was sort of odd that I decided this because, before that point, I had a huge baby bug. I was constantly thinking about having kids and how I would raise them into confident, caring, well-adjusted adults. It got so bad that I scared away a college boyfriend talking about it so much. (That was a blessing in disguise.)
You could say scaring away my then-boyfriend might have been the catalyst that changed my mind, but it wasn’t. My desire not to have children slowly faded, and there was no real reason for it. This sounds strange, but I think I spent so many years thinking about how I would raise them that when it came time to start a family, I felt like I had done it already.
I spent so much time thinking about how I would handle each and every struggle my children might face – because of my own struggles and challenges. I wanted to pass on the tools I learned so they wouldn’t have to experience as much of the pain and anxiety I endured growing up. Of course, they would have their own challenges and struggles, as they should. Those are what make us stronger. But now I understand that I’m meant to pass on those tools to anyone who needs them – instead of my imaginary children.
At the time, I was comfortable with my decision, but the pressure I received from a few friends and even total strangers was interesting to me and borderline shocking at times. I never took offense to any of it because I knew people simply didn’t understand my decision. I heard everything from “Oh, just give it time, you’ll change your mind” to “You must have had a traumatic experience that you need to deal with.”
The most surprising one (to me) was when people called me “selfish.” I never really understood that one. Yes, life is a lot easier without children, but being selfish means I’m doing something that’s not only self-serving, but not considerate to others. When we have 7.7 billion people and counting, I certainly don’t need to add more people to this planet. As we all know, mother earth would be a lot better off with fewer people.
Fortunately, when I made the decision not to have children, I was lucky to have close friends and family who understood where I was coming from and supported my decision. One friend, in particular, told me having children was the hardest thing she’s ever done. She said, “Unless it’s something you really want, it’s probably not for you.” Another friend revealed that she related to where I was coming from and felt the same way before she had her child. She felt like society influenced her to have him. Of course, she wouldn’t change her path, but if she hadn’t had that pressure, she would have remained childless.
On the flip side, most of my friends have children, and it’s clear how life-changing they have been for the better. I’ve seen their challenges over the years, but it’s clear their children are their greatest blessing. I’ve watched in awe as I’ve seen their children grow and the fun family dynamics they have. They describe their love as stronger than any love you could ever experience. It’s odd to think about, but I’m sure if my husband and I had taken that path, we would have felt the same way.
Yes, there have been brief moments when I’ve wondered if I made the right decision, but in the end, the desire to have children hasn’t been strong enough to change my mind. I’ve been with my husband for over ten years, and I’m so thankful we’re on the same page.
There’s also something to be said for being “the cool aunt.” My sister had trouble getting pregnant for many years and decided to do in-vitro. The doctor implanted three eggs, and they had three beautiful babies – yep, triplets! They were born in 2004, so they’re grown now. I feel so lucky to have been such a huge part of their lives. I can’t imagine a greater love than I have for the three of them. Plus, I get to be their sounding board whenever they need me. So now, when people ask if I’m having children (or have children), I joke that I really don’t need to – my sister knocked it out of the ballpark for both of us.
So yes, it might sound “selfish,” but I’m thankful for the simple life my husband and I share together. We have a dog and two cats, but overall we’re free to do many things we wouldn’t be able to do or have time to do if we had children. Plus, we’re more financially stable than we would have been otherwise.
My point here is to say that it can be easy to be influenced by society. It’s natural for people to want to be included in a group. Connection is one of the most significant components of happiness, but fitting in is not always for our greatest good.
Whether you choose to have children or not, it’s your decision, and there is no “right” or “wrong” answer. Do what’s best for the two of you (or for yourself), and try not to be influenced by society, family, friends, or even total strangers. This is your journey.
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