Is your ego sabotaging your happiness?

In this blog, I’m going to talk about challenging that not-so-kind voice of the ego that can make people feel bad about themselves and their place in life. It’s important to recognize and silence the voice of the inner critic when she starts making shit up.

The Cambridge dictionary defines the ego as: “The idea or opinion that you have of yourself, especially and in particular the level of your ability and intelligence and your importance as a person.” Unfortunately, our perception of ourselves is quite often societally driven. We’re basing our self-worth on these ideas and beliefs that have absolutely nothing to do with who we truly are.

Our ego is telling us that our worth is based on things external to us like our job, house, car, wealth, debt, beauty, weight, connections, social media likes, etc. Think about it…if any of these things go away (or are finally obtained), does that really change who we are? Does that make us less or more of a person? If we’re always looking outside of ourselves to find things to feel happy about and/or complete, then we’re always going to be chasing and never really fulfilled. 

It’s even more challenging when we find ourselves comparing our lives to those that are seemingly “better” than our own. I think social media perpetuates this feeling of lack when we start comparing ourselves to people who look like they have the perfect lives when, more often than not, we have no idea what’s really going on behind the scenes. Plus, more and more people (especially teens) are dealing with bullying on social media. Obviously, people who feel inclined to tear down others are dealing with their own insecurities, but it’s hard to ignore.  If social media makes you feel bad about yourself, consider taking a break from it, or only allow connections that truly lift you up.

Recognizing patterns of negative thought

One of the biggest steps towards achieving true happiness is having a happier mindset. (Oh duh, right?) Unfortunately, our minds are not always very helpful in making us feel better about ourselves or our lives. Our ego sometimes tells a negative story (often triggered by something from the past), and it feels awful when we believe it.

It helps to try to observe the negative thought as soon as it comes up, especially when you realize it’s the ego making up the false story. Try to catch yourself in those moments so you can turn it around. (It’s also important to stop the negative thought before you get too much momentum going and it becomes a pattern of thought or belief.) When we’re able to step outside ourselves and get really objective about the attachment to our ego-driven beliefs, we start to realize how insignificant they are. Deepak Chopra refers to this as becoming the “silent observer to your thoughts”:

“This silent observer is your true self. Activity comes and goes but the observer is steady and present. Whenever you find yourself feeling worried, upset, or overwhelmed by the frightening scenarios the mind is prone to create, take a deep breath and shift your attention to the silent observer. The settled presence of your awareness will allow emotional turbulence to dissipate, including self-doubts and feelings of unworthiness.”  

In other words, be aware when that ego creeps in and says something negative. Try to catch yourself in those moments. Recognize that you’ve created a negative thought that’s not serving you well (which you can tell by the almost immediate negative feeling that accompanies the thought), and then replace the thought with something more truthful and positive.

Challenging the voice of ego

Byron Katie has a great way to challenge the ego. In her book, Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life (on Amazon), she offers the following questions to challenge a negative thought: 

1. Ask yourself, is this thought true? (Yes or no?) 

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Dig a little deeper here and really challenge that thought.)

3. How do you react? What happens, when you believe that thought? How does that thought make you feel? Anger? Fear? Jealousy? Sadness? Insecurity? What feeling does this thought stir up for you? Is it serving you? 

4. (The most important question)…Who would you be without that thought? Seriously imagine your life without that negative thought that’s triggering this negative emotion. Take a moment to try to imagine how that would feel. More than likely, the thought that’s been bringing you down isn’t even true. It’s just a story you’ve been telling yourself for such a long time you’ve come to believe it’s true.

Now I want you to focus on a new, opposing thought that makes you feel better! It takes work to introduce a better pattern of thought, but if you wake up every day focused on this new thought and remind yourself often, you’ll start to see yourself in a different light. I also recommend creating a list of positive affirmations and goals you can review daily to remind yourself of your awesomeness – and what you have to look forward to. If you need help with that, please read, 5 steps to setting and achieving your goals.

I should note, if your answers to #1 and #2 of the Byron Katie questions above are “yes” then you essentially have two options…you can either try to change the situation or circumstance to something more positive, or you can learn to accept it as it is. The alternative is to dwell on it and that’s only going to make you more miserable. 

When we realize that a good portion of our negative thoughts are not even true, we’ll begin to find it easier to shed these false beliefs and see ourselves not as these stories but as the eternal beings we are. We’re these lovely spirits inside these machines attached to ego brains that have been conditioned to think we are our own thoughts. 

I’d also like to point out that we’re not going to get to a happy place by getting “things”, especially when they are just things, and we’re not going to get to a happy place by focusing on the things we don’t have. The way to a happier life is by appreciating how good life is and focusing on the positive as it is right now. This means carefully and actively choosing positive thoughts instead of focusing on what’s wrong or missing. 

Let’s stop being so hard on ourselves. We spend more time with ourselves than anyone. Don’t you think we owe it to ourselves to be kind? We all have flaws. We all make mistakes. We all feel inadequate and fear at times. We all judge ourselves…but the reality is, no one is judging us the way we are judging ourselves. We should try to treat ourselves as we would a best friend – with love, support, and kindness.

If you’ve been in a habit of negative thinking for a long time, this process of challenging and changing your thoughts is probably going to feel unnatural. You’re going to be changing your habitual thought patterns (and hopefully beliefs) to something more positive. It’s going to take time. It also means you’ll be letting go of the old you, which is going to feel uncomfortable.

Your action plan is to pay close attention to how you’re feeling and pay attention to that internal voice inside your head. If you’re feeling negative emotion, slow down and ask yourself, “Is my ego making up a story that’s making me feel bad?” Then follow the four steps above to challenge it.

The past no longer exists and the future is yet to come. Your now is whatever YOU want it to be. Work on silencing the voice of the inner critic and let go of the thoughts and beliefs holding you back from living your best life. 

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